By-Two Kaapi in an oilfield

In the dim corridor I squat,
Staring at the moonlit trees.
The darkness fascinates me,
For I feel the presence of a light.

For the good of everything,
It is an unsaid story of the light.
The illumination that we all seek,
Ain't satisifed by the sun or the moon.

As I extinguish the cigar in my hand,
I know, its light was not enough either.
The spark needed to ignite my mind,
Does not fall from the stars I stare at.

I talk, to people and more people,
And I begin to see a new light.
I laugh at the chauvinism, at the dumbness,
At the lack of passion in them.

One thing doesn't amuse me at all,
All it does is make my blood boil.
The pathetic wait for somebody,
For somebody to guide, inspire, spoon-feed.

I frown, I shout filth, I spit,
At the world that encourages mediocrity.
A system, which I dare to beat,
that worships the ordinary, should not exist.

As my nerves cool down with the breeze,
I grin in silent contempt.
For I have found the spark, the light,
Where else do I go...when I am the light.

The truth dawns in myriad ways,
Almost never at the first go,
Bursts of realisation occur in random.

I sit back and think in isolation,
Why didn't I think like this before,
It could have spared me the heart-break.

Feels like I am flying above reality,
Seems like I am dying, dying,
Unable to digest what I am feeling.

The forces collude to bring me down,
I think, the forces are here to drown me,
Now I know, they bring me back to the ground.

The means justify the ends, I heard,
I know, I can squabble over this,
And crap over this for a whole lifetime.

It sinks in soon that it is justified,
In my case, it is the truth I sought,
Ah! What a fine way to understand.

I realise that I ran all these days,
Behind a rosy dream to reach that place,
Which I know now as the horizon.

I sit back and puff in the air,
As if they are the bursts of truth in life,
Coz Life stuns you at times....

Have you ever felt

• that you overrated yourself more times than necessary?
  
• a sense of emptiness and defeat throughout the day?
  
• loss of control over everything you dreamed of changing?
  
• the pain of losing out to your example of mediocrity?
  
• you are not born to be a leader, even when leadership is thrust on you?
  
• that you are alone in this world, and everyone else uses you?
  
• your only source of joy drifting away?
  
• that you were not meant to be big one day - you just dreamt of it?
  

That's when you know that you are actually very ordinary.

Listening to: When everybody hurts(REM)

As the coconut leaves swayed with the breeze,
he gazed at them, waiting for time to freeze,
with memories of her hair flying to the tunes,
of that very wind across the sand dunes.

After sleepless nights, the call had been taken,
that it was time to move on unshaken,
to come back to life, killing the past,
that pat on her back, would be the last.

A handful of the pains of love and hate,
were too much to bear, searching for a soulmate,
with shattered dreams of a celebration cake,
he left her with true love for her own sake.

While he clung on to his heart rot,
dying to believe in what he just thought,
he stared straight into the shining sun,
wishing that his head was not against his own gun.

The other day, over a cup of elaichi tea, my friend asks me why I post lyrics of songs on my blog. The instantaneous answer was 'Why not?!'. He went on to say that, anyways people know lyrics, they are written by somebody else and they are found all over the net - so what is the point in blogging about music lyrics.

To me, lyrics are not words found by Googling the band's name with the song's name. I am a connoisseur of good lyrics. The essence of a song is in its ability to evoke the same emotions in the listener which the band felt when playing that song. The rythm and the lyrics feed this ability.

Its elementary. Music controls one's emotions if it is 'really' music. Here's a list of my favorite songs for different moods of mine:

• Enthu/Jubilation: Headstrong(Trapt), Hero(Chad Kroeger)
  
• Frustration: Judgement(Anathema), What's this life for(Creed)
  
• Inspiration: Shine on you crazy diamond(Pink Floyd), I just want you(Ozzy Osbourne)
  
• Sorrow: One last goodbye(Anathema), Everbody hurts(REM)
  
• Romantic: If tomorrow never comes(Ronan Keating), Iris(Goo Goo Dolls), Tu Hi Re(Bombay)
  
• Anytime: With arms wide open(Creed), The Scientist(Coldplay), Dont Panic(Coldplay)
  

There are loads of songs for each mood, but these rule the charts in alienland. So, the next time "I'm not gonna stand here and wait" (Hero, Chad Kroeger).

I have maintained for long that Choice is an illusion. And today after hearing something so damn interesting, disturbing, surprising and frustrating, I sit back and think in mixed emotions as to how right I have been. Right now, I see amplifiers floating all over my eyes, but they tend to be amplifying my ponderings, rather than just getting into my head.

It is more than often that one feels he has a choice. To take the road on the right or on the left. And he ponders for hours, for days, and maybe months, or maybe even years to decide which road to take. Little does he know/think that it is already predestined that he is taking a certain road. The other is just a mirage - so exciting and attractive, but no - it doesn't exist. This is the playground of Destiny, and we are just kicking the ball around.

I just sit with Floyd soothening the atmosphere and think what if I was not in Bangalore this summer, what if I did not screw up my acads last year (not that I am dejected, actually I dont give a damn), what if .... and mixed feeling crop up. I would have been totally different, if I wasn't. Probably I would be like some of my friends who have changed after internship - in many ways, some obvious and some not so. The other day I was talking to one of them, I realised I had missed out something as Destiny had other plans for me. Not that I am cribbing that things went wrong for me, but it is just that emptiness when you feel when you come so close,and realise that you are still so far. Probably, I was not just meant to take the road that was a mirage - even if it lay on solid ground. How unlucky!

The choices that I saw, the road that I was forced to take, the other road I saw, the pains of love and hate, the inequality of fate, the zeitergeist, the emptiness, the tears when someone loses confidence in you, the insolent cry when someone doesnt talk to you, the heart and the mind fighting it out within you, the guilt of not being responsible, the utter feeling of hopelessness - I have had too much.

Peace.

Finally, after a week in this burning desert, I get to return back to my "Wall on the Net" - to speak out as loud as I can, and still not hear it echo. Feels good to be back.

Sure does feel bad to be on the burner. See a damn hectic time ahead, but also myself with my undivided attention to my Ponderings.

Right now, as Pink Floyd play in black boxes in front of me, I see the amazing coincidence of the lyrics, with what I am telling myself these days. It goes something like this -

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Come on you target for faraway laughter,
come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!
You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions,
come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!

Food 4 Pondering (F4P): (hopefully I will be including this feature in most posts now)
What's better - Crib that the world's screwed (blaming the non-ideality) or being practical and show apathy(coz theres no way the worls gonna change)?

Listening to: Pink Floyd - Wish you were here