By-Two Kaapi in an oilfield

Looks like the spokes in the cycle called life have jammed - thanks to work being piled higher and deeper. End sem exams approaching and me being least bothered adds to the pain.

One more thing that strikes my mind is my latest obsession with Pearl Jam. I am on the process of drowning myself to death in Grunge. Here are some excellent lyric clips from some of their songs that I absolutely dig -

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky, but why
Why, why can't it be, why can't it be mine

Oh, dear dad, can you see me now
I am myself, like you somehow
I'll ride the wave where it takes me
I'll hold the pain...Release me...

Apart from all the jamming, life has been absolutely fantastic in the last few days. Surely rank among the best days in all these 19 years. And me being my usual selfish self(!), am thinking whether this happiness can be brought out of its non-temporal mode. Damn, I should have been enjoying this, instead of putting my thought into the future.

The Salvador Dali inspiration continues!

I remember the days in Bangalore during my stay there during late summer, when I read Ayn Rand's Fountainhead. I blogged about it and I even remember picking the best lines I loved in the book. Last night, I was chatting with one of my friends in the numbing cold here - when it somehow struck me that somewhere in the sands of time, I have lost myself.

I remember claiming that mediocrity is the one thing I just can't stand. I remember Ellsworth Toohey in the 'Fountainhead' saying

No man likes to be beaten. But to be beaten by the man who has always stood as the particular example of mediocrity in his eyes, to start by the side of this mediocrity and to watch it shoot up, while he struggles and gets nothing but a boot in his face, to see the mediocrity snatch from him, one after another, the chances he'd give his life for, to see the mediocrity worshipped....well, my little amateur, do you think the Spanish Inquisition ever thought of a torture to equal this?

It struck me that I have finally traced him - the perfect example of medicority in my eyes - myself !

Reading about Salvador Dali on Wikipedia, I came across this wonderful quote by him -

"Every morning when I wake up, I experience an exquisite joy - the joy of being Salvador Dalí - and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things this Salvador Dalí is going to accomplish today?" - Salvador Felipe Jacinto Dalí

There could be many interpretations of this quote - Ego, Joy, Postivism blah blah blah...
But, I just tell myself this -

I've got to feel what Dali felt when he woke up!

Treating your girlfriend for dinner at C'not: Rs.100
Getting her a gift for Valentine's Day: Rs 250
Understanding that she is never meant to be yours: Priceless

Sandwiches and shakes with your girlfriend at Sky: Rs 70
Late-night call for two hours chatting endlessly: Rs 120
Understanding the futility of your efforts: Priceless

I can happily be misconstrued as someone who has been recently ditched in love and cribbing about it. But then, I have realized that life throws invaluable lessons at the most unexpected of times. People with a free mind and the ones who happen to be at the right place at the right time are the ones who are at the receiving end of the heavenly gospels. And me being the free-mind guy, just happened to be lucky!

The priceless thing that I have learnt, and must keep reminding myself (so that I never forget!):

Always trust your intuition. Always.
People come and go. Listen to them if you want to, but trust them not. Trust your inner self

I have always taken pride in my intuition. Somehow, it has been that I have this considerably powerful intuitive power, that with an astounding accuracy has put probablistic theories to shame. And yet another rare quality of mine, which I claim I have inherited strongly from my mother is this weird psychological analytical power. I wonder how I can somehow feel what the other person is thinking, and later discover that I was right. All these days I haven't trusted my inner self. When others came and spoke to me, I believed that I was blinded and that they are right, I believed that my mind was playing games on me - now I realize that I was always damn right.

Realization of the truth - priceless, right !

Something that I remember cramming in my Science textbook in Class 5. Till last month, it was just another issue lying somewhere in the darkest corners of my cephalon covered with cobwebs. And then it was woken up - by me.

At CEL, we were contemplating about a business simulation game, and we were thinking about a name over a cup of coffee, when the name 'Stimulus' struck me. And then was born - 'Stimulus' the game. It been a rollercoaster ride for me over the past two months as I tried to put together a highly talented team and make them work towards realising my vision of 'Stimulus'. The team, like any other highly talented team, was made of extremely capable individuals, fun-loving, and at times no-work-gen-enthu mindset. Being the big man out there, it was my job to cut the crap and get things going. And me being my usual no-nonsense self, it wasn't hard for me in the beginning.

But, with time, the stimulus evoked a response within me. It all began with three people J, S and C coming together to create the essence of the game. All three extremely capable but then totally incompatible as well! I had to have umpteen conversations with J - the team leader to tell him how difficult managing such people cohesively in a team would be. I built the bigger team by adding R, OJ, N, A and a few others. Little did I realize that the lets-have-fun mindset was growing in the team. S, being his usual 'over-grown kid' self, C being the 'Martian', R with her characteristic laughs, OJ with her charm, N with his headphones, left J and me to stare at ourselves. But then work was great. Loads of fun coupled with constructive work here and there. Somewhere in the sands of time, I was sucked into it.

Sucked into the lets-have-more-n-more-fun mindset, I was having the time of my life. Little did I realize that I was metamorphizing from my nihilistic self to a happy-go-lucky chap. Not that I resent the change, but when yesterday R pointed out that I have changed, I felt a lump in my throat. Was I blinded by darkness? I have no answer.

Now that Stimulus is almost nearing its end, I sit back and think what was the RoI (!) of Stimulus. To me, it was the best of times and the worst of times. I shall forever treasure many moments:

• The early morning meetings in IC
  
• Tea with the Turkey
  
• 3210 reloaded
  
• Library books
  
• Phase 1
  
• The 'Gum' bet
  
• Chai at Nutan
  
• Pahadi trip
  

S would have urged me to put up some other things that he loved about being part of the Stimulus Team, but then I won't! Whatever! Stimulus' response in me has been beyond comprehension. I wonder how I melted, why I melted into this person that I am now... Hope time has an answer.

Ultimately, Stimulus proved true to its catch-line

"And you thought it was only a game..."

Hoobastank sing:

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I am back at the blogosphere after a pretty long break, and like usual, I am in no mood to list down the reasons for the break! Probably the best explanation was alreaddy posted by me on some post which I don't happen to remember - "I blog when I am very happy or very gloomy".

Right now, I am in no state of mind to judge whether I am happy or gloomy - Ouch! How sadder can it get. But, with a fair amount of conviction, I can say that the last couple of weeks have been a really great time. Somewhere in the chaos of the bubbling world, I found a means to retreat, sit back and enjoy - looking, staring, laughing, crying, yelling, howling, cheering at the people around me, at the things around me. And, yes, somewhere in the midst of all these, I found purity, happiness and contentment. I found them, but I havent been able to make them mine!

Realization - I am waiting for it...