By-Two Kaapi in an oilfield

The weblog of Abhilash Ravishankar, India.


Here I blog about my personal experiences [posting rarely]


At my tumblelog Intoxicated by possibility I blog about my opinions/likes/dislikes [posting heavily]


Success ,ego, failure - A vicious circle : A specific case analysis

I am in no mood to pen a research paper to present next semester on how success results to an ego-boost which sometimes leads to failure. But, I have grown sick of people who lose their balance when they know that they are in power and they have been successful.

I am ashamed I almost did the same today morning. My friend had earlier asked me for some help on some design assignment, to which I had consented as well. Due to unfortunate circumstances, I overslept a lot, I hadnt studied anything for the coming exam, I had become shit scared and I kind of shunned him today afternoon when he came to ask my help. He went back dejected. Ten minutes later, I realised my foolishness. I was good at that kind of design, probably I was the only one whom he knew who could do that assignment. He couldn't ask anybody else because they couldn't help him with it. It was the case of a perfect monopoly. A single producer and n consumers. I could dictate terms to anybody. I sprinted across to his room, sat on his computer, helped him out with it, and came back to my room satisfied. Now, this case (hereon will be termed Case A) is an example wherein I realised that when I was successful (in being a master at that sort of design), I had an egoboost (monopoly), I could have doomed to failure ( I would have lost all respect from my friends). But then I chose another path...to kick the egoistic feeling off my brains, come back to senses, and help others.

Coming to Case B. This is one thing I clearly see during some exams and tests. When a person is too good in a subject, he goes on a high, and initially he does explain the fundaes to all of us. But slowly, he realises his monopoly, his power, his ego kicks in and he doesnt give a damn to others. I remember going to one such guy with a doubt. I explain my doubt to him, he looks at it, murmurs something and the next instant he is meddling with something else without even acknowledging my question. Another day, a similar guy gives a rude reply as if I am a duffer. I was in half-a-mind to say

'Dude! I agree that you are a genius in this field. I dont need to certify that. But dont let that get into your head. I maybe a duffer in your viewpoint, but then I too have my own assets and strengths. I came to you, just because I know your acumen in this field, and because you are my friend. But, if you feel that we are pun mortals unworthy of your time, then I'm sorry and soon you will realise that you too would be sorry.'


Comparing both the cases, I am not trying to imply that I am the 'clean guy' who never makes such a mistake. I too have made such mistakes, but I've tried to rectify them as early as possible. All I seek is some sense in people.

Bottomline: "Dont forget that your legs are on the ground, and so are mine"


Listening to: 'Kryptonite' - 3 Doors Down

The ground beneath my feet

My friend RC today pointed out to me - One thing which has demanded a lot of one of my most valuable resource called 'time' these days, yet hasnt found time for a post in this blog - 'Quake'.

Quake is a unique game. It is like the matrix. It is not an easy game for beginners. As you enter 'The Arena' filled with experienced Quakers, all you hear is the sound 'whoosh' of rockets flying by as if they are giving rocket launchers free around the corner of the street. And then in space maps, you just hear 'sleesh' and you see a pinkish red laser coming right at you, and before you wink, you are floating lifelessly in deep space.

And the ground beneath my feet shakes !

As one masters the game, we begin to see through the game just like Neo saw the code behind the matrix. One can expect the launch of a rocket, one can calculate its trajectory, one can calculate the counter-trajectory to be adopted to dodge the rocket, and simultaneously plan a counter-attack. All this comes thorugh intuition. And this doesnt stay always. Once I had stayed upto 3 hours in the night playing Quake, and at the end of it, I was seeing through the game for about a day or so. I cannot explain why, but then again I couldnt continue the momentum. Its all in the mind, you see.

I play Quake to:


  • Free my mind
  • To hear the golden words 'Perfect', 'Humiliation', 'Excellent', 'Impressive'
  • To see 'You fragged Kara' on the screen (well, Kara dont mind it buddy!)
  • Realise that a human can be as powerful as a machine
  • To feel my alienity/alienness (somebody correct me on this)


As they say buddy,

Be Quake or be Dead


Listening to: 'Hero' - Chad Kroeger & Josey Scott
(This is one song I have been listening to a zillion number of times since yesterday!)

Pick the flick - Share the care

Yeah, You've got me right. I am in the middle of my end-semester exams here. Every body around me is trying to blow his/her brains off trying to cram some serious crap about theodolites, interrupts, grain dislocations, fast fourier transforms, strategic intent, power factors and FCFS queues. While I, the most daring and genious of all chose to take a break. A break to watch a movie. And all I had to do is walk less than the length of a cricket pitch to my friend's room known for having a repository of movies and pick a flick. With no second thoughts, I had transferred "Good Will Hunting" onto my computer. In no time I was sitting on my easy chair, with lights off, and the monitor brightness option set to 'Entertainment', munching a couple of cashews. Hmm...didnt even feel like I was amidst my exam series. Anyways, I just watched the movie with a couple of rewinds here and there just to cover up my short dozes. The movie was different in its own way, and I had serious qualms over the way Matt Damon's character Will Hunting was casted. But a couple of minutes later the whole thing sunk in. Here goes. Ramblings. Take One.

First of all, being a genius is one thing; being a 'man' is another. (For those who didnt get it, I meant' a human being') One thing that was excellently brought about in the movie is 'to follow one's heart'. What is it that makes geniuses so different? I dont know. Maybe that's because I havent met a genius till now. Now, I have met people of exceptional intellectual capabilities. But, I am not qualified to label them as geniuses.

Let me take the example of a hypothetical person . This guy is simply terrific in solving a circuit involving a score of transformers and induction motors, he can think of questions that even the famed professors fail to answer, he knows stuff that even a senior student wouldn't know, he can intuitively work out answers to any damn problem you take to him. But then, he has an attitude problem. He thinks that people around him are exceptionally dumb (except the girls who fall for his intellectual acumen) and says stuff like 'I dont need to prove my mettle'. Now, lets do an analysis on this guy. I have no doubts about the power vested in his gray cells, but to me this guy is just a piece of s***. Why? Because I believe that you can like a person, not because of his intellectual capabilities, not because of his looks, not because of his possessions, BUT because of his inner self. I wouldnt even want to hang around with this chap because he gives me an inferiority complex, he rarely encourages me to do something out of the box and he doesnt give a damn about 'me'.

If I ever fall for a girl in my life, it will certainly not be because she is intelligent (Oooo.... dude ! she is a stud, she maxes every damn test), she is smart (Wow! That girl has some serious wit, mate!), she is hot (Mmmm...Take a look at her), she is cute/sweet (She is such a nice girl). It might be because of one sole reason - She cares. Yes. That's the bottomline. Care is what everybody seeks. A soulmate is what everybody wants. I woulnt want a girl preaching me on Quantum Electrodynamics or Discrete convolution, i wouldnt want a girl who talks of Ayn Rand. All I would crave for is a girl who would sit me with and ask me about what I think about my future, who would tell me to lessen my caffeine intake, who would tell me to sleep more when I go to her with red sunken eyes, who would wish me the very best before a test, who would tell me that my beard is looking pathetic or stand with me when I make the hardest decisions.

Its true. Solitude at times is the loveliest of everything in nature, but then solitude forever is hell brought down on to earth. Our life is like a unique compass. The strongest magnets might be kept near it (fame, money, prestige,.......) but still the compass is undeflected and it points to one thing - Care.

Chopsuey

A Chopsuey of thoughts running in my mind.


  • Chaos rules.
  • No other law is as accurate as Murphy's law.
  • Silence is Golden.
  • Cowardice is embedded in me.
  • Responsibility makes you lose opportunity.
  • With power comes understanding.
  • You understand a person's decision best when you actually step into his/her shoes.
  • Song lyrics make the best poetry.
  • Music is medicine for the lost soul.
  • Procrastination is my middle name.
  • My last commitment down the drains.
  • Loss of identity is equivalent to death.
  • A warm touch is a true expression of pure love.
  • Religion is the sole cause of all construction and destruction in this planet.
  • Failing to deliver causes excruciating pain
  • Over-confidence is too subtle yet causes the most damage.
  • Real love is understanding what the other person expects/wants.
  • There exists no higher thrill than risk-taking.
  • Water is the elixir of life.


Here are some lyrics titbits that I have loved this week.



  • I sit and talk to God
    And he just laughs at my plans
    My head speaks a language
    I don´t understand

    I just want to feel real love
    Fill the home that I live in
    'Cause I got too much life
    Running through my veins
    Going to waste

    I don´t want to die
    But I ain´t keen on livin' either


  • others hands were lined with dirt
    From long days in the field
    And mothers hands are serving meals
    In a cafe on this street
    With mouths to feed
    Just trying to keep clothing on our backs
    And all I hear about is
    How it's so bad, it's so bad

    It's too bad, it's too bad
    Too late, so wrong, so long


  • Listening to: Intehaa ho gayi Intezar ki - Kishore Kumar

Magic..

I just saw the movie "Million Dollar Baby" directed by Clint Eastwood. Though it didnt move me to tears, it did bring out a strong feeling of empathy in me. One line that was caught by the radar gun in my cephalon -

There is a magic in taking risks to pursue a dream that nobody else sees but you.


I feel the magic already. Its a funny feeling. When you see where you are heading to, nobody else does; and you have to take risks in order to get there and people scoff at you when you do so. I have felt it earlier. I feel it now too.

Listening to: "Feel" - Robbie Williams

A convolved world!

So many issues whizzing in my brain as if it were caught in a Quake arena with rockets craving a piece of its flesh. I dont know where to start off from. Thank heavens that I am not blogging about acads !

My tear ducts are pretty well guarded by strong force fields but then there are intrusions (or rather extrusion!) attempts now and then. Yesterday night was one such event wherein the prisoners in Alcatraz would be ashamed. Falling low of expectations, failing to deliver - two things which can cause an imbalance in the force field. Well, both of them struck at the same time. Coupled with that was the energy leakage in the power supply to the force field .

And as if the world wasnt convolved enough, the bitter debate over feminism, male chauvinism blah blah blah. If I were God, I would have made budding as the sole means of reproduction making the whole world unisex. This whole concept of damned discrimination, capabilities, perceptions, hypnoses would go up in flames. The next time I hear somebody talking of this same crap, I would frag him/her with a BFG.

And then Mafia grows like mushrooms. The game induces a whole lot of heat into everyone of us. Minor discontenment, disagreement, squabbles have become common in the wing over this game.

In 4 hours I have a test to write, and I dont even feel like studying.

Damnit! This world is convolved !!

PS. Thanks to Aravind for pointing out that the verb form is 'convolved'

I'm lovin it !

No no no.....I am not advertising for McDonald's nor did I have the opportunity to dine at one today nor do I intend to talk aout McDonalds. The link being that their punchline so suited my mood today. But that was the case half an hour back, because now something has changed my mood.

Going back half an hour in time. It was almost 3 in the morning when I alongwith 2 friends of mine cameback after a long 2 and a half hours in the All night canteen. And it felt so good. Earlier in the evening, I had spoken to another friend of mine and I had already started feeling better. Its all about innovation and passion. Two things I love to see in people around me. And with the people I am around, I feel as if I am in seventh heaven. I was thinking of choice the other day, and I was questioning my own choice-making ability and my inability to say "no" in many cases. I was pondering whether burdening myself with responsibility when I am also inclined to doing something equally important in another area of interest was the right choice. Now, I get it. Yehi hai right choice !!

Right now, the cytoplasm in my body cells are doing a small jig anf giving me a feeling of angst. I feel naked. I have always believed in life not being a closed diary. I have always wanted to share memories, thoughts, every emotion of mine with people around me. When I was a kid, I remember sitting on the kitchen slab dipping my hand into flour and make modern art figures from atta while my mom used to make chapatis. I used to tell her everything I dreamt of, everything I thought of and everything I felt. My mom used to silently listen to my whole beating-round-the-bush speech and then add her inputs which used to be so crisp and would make so much sense. As I grew up, my mom used to tell me about lots of things that she felt and thought about. Even now, we share such a brilliant relationship. But then, I realised the pain in BITS Pilani, where I miss her. One thing is for sure, men cant understand emotions. Very few do. A girl would rather understand how I feel better than a guy. My brother is so young, and at times I regret not having an elder sister. Though I would bare all my thoughts and feelings to a person whom I am close to, I was apprehensive about he/she doing the same. Probably I expected that openness in a relationship that I shared with my mom. And here I have spoken about certain issues to only select people, and I foolishly expected them to do the same. I was mistaken. I have now come to realise that only a mother or a sister can understand what a man 'feels'. Though a father or a brother can be the best guy around to help you innovate and implement, its your mother or sister when it comes to matters of the heart. I miss my mom, and I miss a sister at this place.

It's eleven in the morn.
Just closed the toothpaste tube.
Splashed some water on my face.
Heard the stove being switched on.
(Broad smile on my face.)
Walked royally into the kitchen.
Comfortably sat on the slab.
Took a piece of atta from mama's hand.
Opened my mouth as if it cant be shut.
I spoke and spoke and spoke.
Of last night dreams, of today's news.
Of future dreams, of ideals.
Of passion, of vision.
Of destiny, of God.
The chapati was well roasted.
Chomped it in joy.
My ear caught a signal.
A short speech by mama.
Embedded with gems.
My stomach was full.
My heart was lightened.
My mind was enlightened.

Now, I am far away from home.
I feel the pain.
There is no ear to hear me barking.
There is no mouth to emit a signal.
Probably, thats one reason,
why people marry.
Everybody needs a soulmate.
But I am too young to.

Now, I have a thought.
I have ears.
I have a mouth.
Why dont I listen to myself ?
Thats self-realisation.

Mafia

The craze is astonishingly high. What do you infer if you see a bunch of guys
a. Yelling at each other at the top of their voices at C'not (a hangout place for BITSians)
b. Arguing fiercely while everybody's peacefully having dinner in the messes
c. Debating with maximum energy in ANC (All night canteen), which includes standing up atleast couple of times and swearing at the guy sitting in front of you.

The right inference would be these guys are playing 'Mafia'. A cool game that has caught the attention of my bunch of friends. Anybody game for it ?

Listening to: "You look like rain" - Morphine

Of the moon and the stars....

I dont remember who and when, but one of my friends asked me recently, "What do you feel/see when you see the moon?". Yeah, I just remembered, it was a breezy Pilani summer night with a screwing test series round the corner, our bunch of friends were sitting at 2 am on the marble platform of the Patel Statue Circle just outside our Bhawan. All of us, so dazed by the magnanimity of the hurdles we had crossed this semester and threatened by the bigger ones ahead were sipping Cappucinos, Moccaccinos, Espressos, Elaichi teas or Coffees. And then out of the blue, 'pop' came the question from one of my friends. I was probably the last person to answer the question. All the answers till then were pretty stereotypical - "I see a face", " I see a kiid", "I see a lifeless body", "I see craters!!".

It was my turn. I went back in time when I was a 15 yr old kid and I was sitting on the terrace of my Uncle's house leaning on a wooden ramp that was placed there. It was close to 11 in the night if I am not wrong. I was just gazing at the moon, and it was a crystal clear night in that sleepy town of Hassan. I remember seeing the craters on the moon as clearly as I can see the scars on my face in the mirror. But, to me the moon evoked a different feeling. It showed me that life is so precious. A lifeless chunk of rock floating in vacuum made no sense to me other than trying to tell mankind the futility of every moment of anger, frustration, fear, hatred, love, and life itself. I was still a small kid but then, I was still my philosophical self then.

Coming back to the nearer past, I remember loads of my friends rushing to the Astro workshop during APOGEE, running to take a look at the stars, the planets, the galaxies through the glasses of an instrument (which I have begun to question) called the telescope. To me, though I did feel the urge to run with them and take a look, going there felt like restricting myself and the horizons of my mind. Once upon a time, I was an astronomy freak; used to scram through astronomy books, CDs, websites, games ; participated in astronomy quizzes, workshops etc etc. But now, more than the scientific part of astronomy what has intrigued me is the inner meaning. When I look at anything through a telescope, my view is restricted, though I see what I am seeing in immense detail. But what I seek when I look at the moon and the skies is "Expanse".

Just try doing this, whenever you are blue. Take a mattress/bedsheet to your terrace. Spread it and lay down. Just free your eyes to freak out. Let them roll and wander over the night sky without focussing on anything intentionally. After a couple of minutes, you see 'depth' in the sky. You feel as if the sky is undergoing 4D clusterization and you are beggining to see the sky in 3D mode. This is when you begin to think - " Damn! Here I am cribbing over such minor issues when I am just a miniscule part f the universe. There exists something so big, that it is everything I have imagined of plus everything that I cannot ever imagine. The earth itsellf is smaller than a speck of dust in the universe, and I am just another speck on this earth." This is when, you feel 'insignificance', and realise the futility of your anxiety and angst. Trust me, you wont feel the universe looking at the rings of saturn; you will better feel it, trying to imagine how it willl be.

So, the next time you think the sky is clear and good, dont rush to get your telescope, take a break and lie down to feel the depth of the sky.

Listening to: The moth buzzing over the tubelight in my room.

Of the moon and the stars....

I dont remember who and when, but one of my friends asked me recently, "What do you feel/see when you see the moon?". Yeah, I just remembered, it was a breezy Pilani summer night with a screwing test series round the corner, our bunch of friends were sitting at 2 am on the marble platform of the Patel Statue Circle just outside our Bhawan. All of us, so dazed by the magnanimity of the hurdles we had crossed this semester and threatened by the bigger ones ahead were sipping Cappucinos, Moccaccinos, Espressos, Elaichi teas or Coffees. And then out of the blue, 'pop' came the question from one of my friends. I was probably the last person to answer the question. All the answers till then were pretty stereotypical - "I see a face", " I see a kiid", "I see a lifeless body", "I see craters!!".

It was my turn. I went back in time when I was a 15 yr old kid and I was sitting on the terrace of my Uncle's house leaning on a wooden ramp that was placed there. It was close to 11 in the night if I am not wrong. I was just gazing at the moon, and it was a crystal clear night in that sleepy town of Hassan. I remember seeing the craters on the moon as clearly as I can see the scars on my face in the mirror. But, to me the moon evoked a different feeling. It showed me that life is so precious. A lifeless chunk of rock floating in vacuum made no sense to me other than trying to tell mankind the futility of every moment of anger, frustration, fear, hatred, love, and life itself. I was still a small kid but then, I was still my philosophical self then.

Coming back to the nearer past, I remember loads of my friends rushing to the Astro workshop during APOGEE, running to take a look at the stars, the planets, the galaxies through the glasses of an instrument (which I have begun to question) called the telescope. To me, though I did feel the urge to run with them and take a look, going there felt like restricting myself and the horizons of my mind. Once upon a time, I was an astronomy freak; used to scram through astronomy books, CDs, websites, games ; participated in astronomy quizzes, workshops etc etc. But now, more than the scientific part of astronomy what has intrigued me is the inner meaning. When I look at anything through a telescope, my view is restricted, though I see what I am seeing in immense detail. But what I seek when I look at the moon and the skies is "Expanse".

Just try doing this, whenever you are blue. Take a mattress/bedsheet to your terrace. Spread it and lay down. Just free your eyes to freak out. Let them roll and wander over the night sky without focussing on anything intentionally. After a couple of minutes, you see 'depth' in the sky. You feel as if the sky is undergoing 4D clusterization and you are beggining to see the sky in 3D mode. This is when you begin to think - " Damn! Here I am cribbing over such minor issues when I am just a miniscule part f the universe. There exists something so big, that it is everything I have imagined of plus everything that I cannot ever imagine. The earth itsellf is smaller than a speck of dust in the universe, and I am just another speck on this earth." This is when, you feel 'insignificance', and realise the futility of your anxiety and angst. Trust me, you wont feel the universe looking at the rings of saturn; you will better feel it, trying to imagine how it willl be.

So, the next time you think the sky is clear and good, dont rush to get your telescope, take a break and lie down to feel the depth of the sky.

Listening to: The moth buzzing over the tubelight in my room.

The Inflexion

The cosine curve I have always been talking about has just crossed 180 degrees. After a series of bad days coupled with the scary thoughts that were bombarding my brain as if I was a still bot beig hit a BFG's fluorescent green pulses, the last couple of days have been much much more rosier. Yes, this is the inflexion point. But, statistically I maybe wrong because of the compres coming up !!!!

Anyways, the last couple of days have kept me thinking; thinking of repositioning myself based on what my strengths and weaknesses are now. And I am slowly working towards that, and it going good, man! I have had a few advices pouring in from a handful of seniors about what I should be doing next, and they are really encouraging. The feeling of being a dud had been pushed beyond the rear bumper of my Merc, and I see new vistas. After all its destiny that I have to respect and passion that I have to follow.

Listening to: "The World I know" - Collective soul

Folded Back

Yup! Thats right. All my dreams of making better grades than last semester have been folded back. Damnit! I have begun to curse myself every moment. What has happened to me ? Why the hell did I lose my identity ? I just cant make sense out of it. In the first year, I felt invincible. No course could get the better of me. Now, its like every course pounces on me to just bite my head off, chew it with the incisors, grind it with the molars, masticate it with all possible salivary jjuices, gulp it down the oesaphagus, and as if it is not enough, pour in all the dirty acids in the stomach, and after a sumptuous meal, wipe off the leftovers into the rectum.

I seem to have changed. I dont see a reason why this drastic change in my abilities. Have I become a dud? Am I a no-gooder? I dont have answers. I just need some coffee (or probably vodka).

Then, a small voice emanates from the deep dreaded dungeons of my mind -" Maybe this is leading you to your destiny. Maybe you dont know what you want to be. Maybe this is leading you to the place where you are best suited." This is the voice in which I seek solace. It has happened to me before. I flunked JEE and it led me to this place called BITS Pilani, and I am so happy it happened in many respects. Is history dying to repeat itself ?

So many questions to life, the universe and everything. If only i could understand the answer to this ultimate question - "Fourty two".

I am folded back.

Listening to: "The Promised Land" - Queensryche
(This shall be a common trait in all future posts)

No offence meant

Very charactersitic of me, a bad bad temper. I have tried so hard to cool it, but then I fail every alternate turn. Anyways, I felt that the last post was way too harsh on people who actually go thorugh my blog. Here are my most sincere apologies. I could have as well edited my previous post. That would have been the mark of an indecisive coward.
I am not so good at apologising in writing, but then here goes:
To everybody who read my blog:

" I express my heartfelt apologies, if whatever I have blogged about is offensive to you directly or indrectly. I mean no offence. These are just mindless regurtitations of this poor soul. But if you feel that something in my post shouldn't have been the way it is, please take some time of your busy schedule and mail me about it, instead of bearing a grudge on a soul who would least expect it. I will be more than obliged to clarify my position and rectify any mistake if any."

Who gives a damn anyway!

Current mood: Pissed Excited
Current song playing in the background: Dreamer - Ozzy Osbourne

That captures most of what I have to say. Basically I am pissed because I heard of somebody taking offence at what I blogged sometime back. But then, who gives a damn anyway. Why do I blog? Thats something I havent blogged upon. Here goes. I beleive that life is not a closed book. It is something that you needn't guard from people. To me, a blog is more like an online diary. I dont expect people to visit my blog and read it. If they do, and do send in a few comments, I would seriously dig that. But then, people taking offence at something that I blogged, it sucks, but I dont lend my ear to it if they cant call a spade 'a spade'.

I must be crazy to have blogged what I just did, coz something better happened today. I met up with some senior of mine and was discussing on various issues (some included how dope can help crack tests!). I caught something seriously good in the long talk we had. I feel a new sense of direction. Something that I will run after, no matter what. I see it, And thats why Ozzy is telling me that "I am a dreamer" in the background.

And once again I am reminded of the Buddha saying that "Attachment is the root cause to misery". I feel this is the ultimate truth in the world. Nothing beats it. And I am excited that I am getting more and more detached from what was a misfit in the schema of how the world goes around me.

Amidst all these, my mind is clouded with all sorts of thoughts. I am feeling lost in my thoughts. None of them entire in nature. Cryptic, haunting, paralysing, exciting, taxing, painful, inspiring ..... a few adjectives that can describe them.

There is something new in the air ...

First off, Pilani has not been affected by any gas tragedy of sorts that there would be something obnoxious and toxic in the air. Nor has it seen the leakage of a perfume storage tank which has resulted in fantastic odour 24x7. Yet, I feel there is something new in the air. It takes simple logic to say that "If there is no change in the physical, chemical, paranormal etc states of air, and yet I feel there is a change, then it is just that I have changed, and hence the relative feeling of change."

Have I changed? Will take me years digging up the piles of crap in my brain to reach the 'Grandfather of All Knowledge' located deep inside my brain and ask him this question. Though he knows everything on the planet, I seriously doubt him giving a satisfactory answer on this one. Ask me the question, and I feel the answer is more in proximity with the logic 1 (Yes).

Somehow in the last one week, I have felt a subtle change in myself. A change in the way how I view people whom I know very well, in the way how I go about performing in tests, in the way I look at life. I remember me blogging about weird, farfetched things in January. January was a passing phase. I lost all the energy that I had in January, and now I seem to be getting as energised as I was in Jan but this time the process of energisation and the aftermath are entirely different. I spoke of attached detachment. Hah! That never happened. It just happened that my attachment went on an increasing linear curve. But now I feel I was just climbing a plateau. Its flat at the top. I dont feel that attachment anymore. Last week I blogged about me feeling low on not making it as an intern in Mumbai. Now I dont feel that. It is that attachment with something so dear that is the primary cause for one's failure. Later I blogged about the human empathetic feeling. I dont feel like that anymore. Somehow I feel so much more detached with wordly attachments. It makes so much more sense now to swallow everything with the principle of 'Lite ra'! Attachment is the root cause of misery. Hmmm..I remember reading this as a quote of the Buddha. Well, he hit the nail on the head.

So, what have I done to see this change in myself, or the world around me.


  • I have detached myself from many attachments which were hogging my mental resources

  • I have realised that 'Life is bigger. Bigger than You. And You are not me'. Well, this is how REM put it.

  • I have discovered new friends on networking forums

  • For a change, I did well in 3 of the last 4 tests

  • But, one of the biggest changes is the start of a new blog Vistas of two mavericks by me and Aravind. The perfect avenue to bring about the change in the world that I have always wanted to.

  • I have discoverd some really cool songs in my collection and am drowning in the ocean of goooood music



I rest my crap.

Lite ra......

Does the title make sense? If you are a BITSian, it must. Or if you are acquainted with people from the Rice Bowl of India, then the chances are it will.

But for the sake of the lesser priviliged, who havent heard this common slang chanted by thousands across the world, here is a short decription:
"Lite ra..."
Meaning: Take it easy, mate.
Who cares, mate.
Chuck it, mate.
Possible scenarios:
a. "Hey, got a test tomorrow. Gotta cram". "Lite ra.."
b. "Damnit, she didnt mail back yet". "Lite ra..."
c. "I've gotta sleep. No more quake." . "Lite ra..."

That should be lesson #1 in "Lite ra for dummies".
Personally, this phrase has a greater meaning and history attached to it.

When I as a fresher landed up at this place called BITS Pilani some 2000km away from my home, little did i expect that most of my wingies would be from the state of AP. And most of them spoke nothing else but Telugu. From a state wherein I couldn't differentiate between Telugu and Tamil, now I was in a state wherein I could wholesomely learn both languages. The first Telugu phrase that I learnt was "Lite ra.."

That was its history. Coming to the meaning. I feel the one most intriguing and priceless principle that I have learnt at this place is the principle of 'Lite ra'. What's so special? I would prefer negating the above question. What aint special about this?
To me, it is the ultimate dogma of life. To not care for the result of anything that we do. The Bhagwad Gita says

Ma phaleshu kadachana

(Never expect fruits of your action)
Though it seems so simple, its simple implementation goes beyond the reach of almost all of us. Yet, it is the simplest way to eternal happiness and peace.

Every time I have to cram for a test, I say 'Lite ra..' to cool myself down. Every time I flunk a test, I say 'Lite ra...'. Every time I forget something, I say 'Lite ra..'.. For every time i say it, I feel content and at peace.

And for all of you, who didnt make out head or tail out of this post, 'Lite ra..'.

When things demand sunken eyes

I am damn foolish to write this post on the blog, when my eyes are yelling at the top of their electic impulses thorugh the optic nerve into my cephalon - "Dude! Just shut me. I will escort you to heaven". But then the Architect in my cephalon replies - "Sleep - The quintessential delusion of mankind. It is the source of the greatest pleasure and the greatest pain at the same time.". Thats reality. When I have two tests on a trot tomorrow afternoon in which a dismal performance can water down my dreams of doing decently well this semester, it demands sunken eyes. Never before was I so desperate to prepare well for a test. But then the demand is pretty high with no discount and I will have to meet the demand (Whew! Thats too much of operations research!).

It would be insane of me to keep this post going on. Gotta ghot slightly more before my eyes go on a strike.

Fear of the dark future

Sometimes, I feel the fear of,
uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask
myself how much I'll let the fear
take the wheel and steer.

It's driven me before, and it seems to a faint,
haunting mass appeal.
I just hope its time I find that I,
should be the one behind the wheel.

Being the caffeine junkie that I am, I walk at 4 am in the morning with my friend towards the Coffee Corner here to pump some much needed Caffeine into my blood. As I walk along I just think about one thing - "Where am I heading towards?". A question I have asked myself 'n' number of times, and every time I acknowledged an excellent reply from myself. But then, today was something different. I couldnt answer myself. I felt as if I was being sucked into the deepest of wormholes by an unknown cosmic force trying to exterminate the very existence of a soul called Abhilash R on this puny planet called Earth. I tried to wriggle out. Well, the caffeine did help me wriggle out. But then, I am damn uncertain about what I am gonna do after BITS. Some souls do scoff when they read this, murmuring that I am one big idiot to think of life after BITS at this stage. I have just a phrase for them - "Please take the median of a triad of phalanges held up in the air". I feel that one should have a clear sense of direction before stepping into any activity. For me it is that goal, that vision that keeps fuelling me ahead. Now, that vision seems so hazy that not even a simulator can land a plane in such a foggy place.

Well, I will go nuts if I start explaining the various options I have, the implications of every option etc. I am just going by intuition for now. For I believe that 'Choice is an illusion'.

With arms wide open

About 56 seconds before I began to type this in, I put on the song "With Arms wide open" by Creed in the background. I realised that the topic I am about to write about can so closely be related to the title of the song! That's coincidence!

Last night, just before going to bed, I began reading the cover story of this week's BW "Gender at the workplace". Interesting topic and I was glued to the mag for about 20 minutes, though my eyes were crying for sleep after writing 2 tests in a single day. Though the article was very restricted in its scope, and disappointed me a lot, it did lend in a whole new perspective to the issue of "Motherhood and career life".

The article blamed motherhood for women failing to make it big in the workplace. I remember when Anita Sakuru, CEO, KenPeople speaking here at BITS Pilani that as a woman, it is lonely at the top. Thats been pretty obvious. How many women do we see attending Board room meetings? Another issue that the article mentioned was a quote from "My Fair Lady" wherein it is quoted

Why cant women be more like men?
. Interesting! Though I dont classify myself as a feminist or an anti-feminist; the quote amuses me. First off, I feel `Yeah! Why cant they?' and when senses sink in, I ask `Why should they?'. What is it that makes a woman different from a man in the workplace? Many feminists will start yelling at the top of their voice that there are no differences, but everything is discrimination against women. Let me come back to these mindless thoughts later.

One thing is pretty certain. To climb up the management ladder in any company, one needs both skill and effort. I believe that there is absolutely no difference between men and women in terms of skill. But when it comes to effort, there is a slight imbalance. Though men and women put in the same efforts to complete the tasks at hand, men take that extra step to do everything that is required to climb up (be it licking somebody at the top, travelling places, spending money, working overtime........all these at the expense of the family). Women tend to give a higher priority to family than company. What I see here is probably a system that needs change. This is probably an instance of discrimination against women (though discrimination is a harsh word!). It should not be expected of women to fit into the system that was built basically for men. As Bijapurkar (one of my fav women columnists) says `Women need new roles'. The best part is that many companies across the globe are introducing such changes like flexi-working hours for women. Womanhood in a sense is divine as it creates life. Let motherhood not be an impediment towards a woman making it big in her career.

Coming back to the mindless shouts by feminists which go about like `Men treat women as slaves', `Men are dogs', `Women are not given equal opportunity'. Please, gimme a break! Just dont yell something mindlessly. Think! Work out a solution without hurting anybody's ego. When women shout that they are being discriminated against, the first thought that comes in a man's mind is "Bullshit!". Thats because a male perceives it as an attack on his ego. When people stop being baseless , look at things in a calm and composed manner, I see no reason why this confict of gender at the workplace cant be sorted out. Lets embrace each other `with arms wide open'

When I feel blue

I have this unique trait (or probably not so unique) of listening to a song all day for about a fortnight and then switching to some other song for the next fortnight. And these days, the predominatn feeling in me is 'blue', and I have been listening to this really cool song by The Corrs and Bono(U2) called "When the stars go blue". Its an amazing video clip of their performance. Its the lyrics that peps me up everytime I feel blue. So, here goes, when the stars go blue.

Dancin' where the stars go blue
Dancin' where the evening fell
Dancin' in your wooden shoes
In a wedding gown

Dancin' out on 7th street
Dancin' through the underground
Dancin' little marionette
Are you happy now?

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue

Laughing with your pretty mouth
Laughing with your broken eyes
Laughing with your lover's tongue
In a lullaby

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue
The stars go blue, stars go blue

Back to psychology and philosophy

Two elements which have been pretty obvious in most of my previous posts are the 2Ps - Psychology and philosophy. Probably, an avid interest in both these fields, I might have inherited from my mother. I am grateful to my mother for teaching me the importance of these two, for in the best and worst of times, these elements bring peace.

I have been pondering in some alien thoughts relating to the human empathetic feeling. What makes a person feel for somebody else? What makes him cry, just because somewhere someone is crying? All these when the other person is in no way related by blood to him (Probably biology can explain it if one feels for a blood relative!). OK. This empathetic feeling can be of two types -
a. Feel the pain that someone is suffering due to some natural calamity or any disaster.
b. Feel the pain/anxiety that someone is in due to all other general reasons.

The former can be explained in n ways(probably some fod for thought for later posts), but it is the latter that I have been pondering about. Lets take a simple example. My friend is unhappy over ...lets say...not making it into his/her dream company. Then, why do i feel for him/her ? The answer , many might consider obvious....coz we are friends! I think in a different perspective. Right, he/she is my friend. But then, what is it that makes me feel for a friend? And how does relative difference/grading exist in friendship (i feel more for some friends and not so much for others)? The answer seems to lie somewhere in the hormones swirling in our body, which makes man a social being, makes him 'feel'. And trust me, I am a duffer in biology, so its best that I cut the crap on this topic.

Well, that was too much of psychology and biology.

The better part of life is that I have ended up screwing more tests in all these days I havent blogged. I am getting pretty good at this !

Castles in air

First question I ask myself as I type in this post is "Why, after a long time? ". The answer is intuitively obvious. I come here when things go wither too bad or too good in life. That's when I want to seek solace or burst out with joy for I know 'that it wont last long'.

This time it is for the former. Well, it is human nature to think of the future, to dream of the future and build dream castles. I am a renowned name in the field of building castles in the air. And true to my reputation I had built huge castles in air about how I would spend my summer holidays in Mumbai. But as fate had it, my internship was not at all in Mumbai. I was alloted an internship in Bangalore. Apart from the fact that it is close to my home town and that I dont need to do a lot of things during my internship, I despise the hard reality that I would be in Bangalore this summer. The reasons are many
a. I wanted to be with some friends who also incidentally didnt get an internship in Mumbai.
b. I had dreamt of having a gala time in Mumbai with my friends.
c. I wanted to meet up with a lot of alumni in Mumbai.
d. A lot of my friends b'days are incidentally in June (including mine!) and it would be great to spend them together.
e. I wanted to go to Mumbai just because my parents wanted me to !
f. The worst part is those friends who didnt make it to Mumbai landed up as interns in places where they didnt wnat to be in the first place.

Well, life is like that! We build castles in airand destiny has the blower in its hand. Just a click and the castle are 'gone with the wind'.

But, characteristic of me, the eternal realist, Bangalore after all isn't a bad place coz
a. I have got a great bunch of friends in that place and we sure will have a big BANG in Bangalore.
b. The company where I landed up my internship is a relatively small company in the semiconductor space. A golden opportunity for me to hone up my skills both technically and entrepreneurially. (Man! This is the height of optimism)
c. I get to celebrate my b'day and my mom's as well in home sweet home.

Its how one looks at things. One thing is for sure, I have been badly bruised by fate. But then, I cant sit cribbing about it. Looking forward to life !

Disclaimer

This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own and not those of the people, institutions or organizations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

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