By-Two Kaapi in an oilfield

31 Dec 2005. 2340 hrs.
I am logged onto the net (on my extremely trustworthy, yet damn slow dialup). Dad & Mom sleeping. Brother tried to stay awake, but then couldnt stay awake! Leaving me alone to sit back and look at the world rejoicing at the dawn of the new year. Sadly, I feel no joy. Just a wavering tinge of respite from the brutal year that was. Loads of wishes from all aroud the world in my inbox and I promptly sit and reply to each of them. Then comes my turn to wish the world. I do that as well

1 Jan 2006. 0030 hrs.
I still am on the net. Gangs of crazy youth on their motorcycles revving up their engines and shouting with joy (or whatever) whizz past the road next to my house. Cars and bikes returning from the new year revelry in the city honk past the circle. Somewhere inside, I feel the cumulative effect of one torturous year. And, then, being the hopeless realist(!) that I am - I feel the joy!

The joy of stepping into something new leaving the past behind. The joy of seeing the slate wiped clean. The joy of the acceleration that one feels at the start of a race. The joy of the hope that this fresh start will bring out the best in me.

The joy of entering 2006.

No more resolutions that end up being just resolutions.

I've got just one word for 2006....just one word.

TENACITY

One word that captures everything that I want in 2006.

The Winter of Mysooru (More about Mysore to Mysooru reserved for a later post).
The Calm Dead Streets of Mysooru at 11 PM.
A Computer with a net connection. (Dialup, but will suffice)
Parents sleeping in an adjoining room.
The neighbours dog howling at regular intervals.
A sleepless guy dying to do something.

Ideal for a solid night-out on the internet. And that's what I have been doing for the past 10 days at home. Browsing, chatting and downloading pdfs(!) all night.

A couple of leads from some fellow-geeks across the world and I have been tracking loads of recent tech trends in security. Has been an absolutely fantastic time. Rummaging thorugh some research group's findings, tracking records of some geeky awesome researchers (My latest guru: Phil Zimmermann). Makes me want to quit undergrad and plunge myself into doing some sort of productive research! I've heard of fellow mates downloading movies, songs, videos, but I have grown this crazy habit of downloading pdfs of research papers, white papers, case studies - and take a cursory glance at it - and marvel at its depth!

Apart from that late-night chatting with fellow BITSians and some internship application stuff have kept me up all night. Beats me why I cant get back to a normal(as considered by my parents) bio-clock!

And yet another year whizzes past. Nowadays, I even forget what year's coming next! Time's flying and I have been trying to run (but of course, to no avail). And time is the winner again.

Looking back at 2005 - Well, personally it has been a fairly disastrous year for me. No prizes for guessing why. This blog stands a silent spectator to all that I have been through this year. The most profound self-realiztion that I feel after this year:

This is the lowest that I can go to. This is rock-bottom. Any lower and I am practically useless.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

I was surprised to know that Creed, one of my favorite bands broke up a year ago! Living in this isolated village surrounded by sand dunes, I am not to blame for my ignorance on this issue. (Assume that internet does not work in the middle of a desert).

Scott Stapp, the lead singer of Creed was one of my favorite vocalists. He is on a solo career now I heard. And I was surprised to know about his strong Christian beliefs as well.

And then there's Tremonti, the guitar genius from Creed, he alongwith Creed's drummer and bassist formed a new band - Alter Bridge after recruiting Myles Kennedy as the vocalist. Not bad, eh! I was just listening to their hit single - 'Open our eyes'. Myles seems to be doing a good job. The music sounds very Creed-ish. Though it is more of modern(and heavy) rock than Creed's post-grunge style.

Here's what moved me in the lyrics of the song I am talking about -

I love the way I feel today
But how I know the sun will fade
Darker days seem to be
What will always live in me
But still I run

It's hard to walk this path alone
Hard to know which way to go
Will I ever save this day
Will it ever change

I am blowing my brains off cramming for this cursed exam tomorrow - and yet when I read this quote on Wikipedia, I knew it that I just had to blog about this. In recent times, this is the most candid of quotes I have ever read, and proabably one of the quotes which I totally relate to.

This quote is by Chris Martin, lead singer of Coldplay about one of their hit singles 'The Scientist'.

"That's just about girls. It's weird that whatever else is on your mind, whether it's the downfall of global economics or terrible environmental troubles, the thing that always gets you most is when you fancy someone."

One look at the notice boards proudly displaying the marks of all students doing the same cursed courses as I am - and there I was standing on tonnes of concrete, and yet feeling the ground sink beneath my feet. It was just as if the world is collapsing, and I am falling with it - into the realms of Hades.

Wonder what happened to me this semester - wonder what killed me! It now is too late to react - too late to even think what went wrong. I am just clueless as ever. Can't continue typing.

May my soul rest in peace.