By-Two Kaapi in an oilfield

Kahlil Gibran said:

"You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give."

Dream. Dream. Dream. Period.

That's all I have been doing since I was a child. And yes, in the twists and turns that my life has taken since then, I have achieved some of my dreams, and many have just remained dreams. But, I believe that everything's happened for the good. A major part of my BITSian life (after I metamorphosed into who I am today), is chronicled in this blog (many of them esoteric as Aravind rightly pointed out).

And here is one more.

As I am about to kiss goodbye to being 19, and turn 20 in a couple of months, I stare at the clear summer sky in Pilani and ponder. What am I going to do in life? Out there in the quick, fast world away from the security that BITS offered, will I be the man I want to be?

I remember the days in my freshman year at BITS when I dreamt of doing a PhD in a top US University and spend the rest of my life doing research in some R&D organization. The sands of time trickled. I changed. The very first taste of the world of entrepreneurship was too lip-smacking. And I've never looked back. I'd blogged about it here.

And then came, what people here call the crux of a BITSian life (academically atleast!) - the dreaded CDC year, where one is made to writh in pain under the harshest of courses and schedules. And me being a EEE student, made matters worse (worst is the right word!). Considered a litmus test for one's academic acumen, every course in this year got the better of me. I was reduced to an average student in every course. A slight correction in grammar would incorporate the fact that I am still being reduced so. And there goes my R&D dream! I found out that I am not a EEE guy. Worse off, I fared well in most of my projects, giving me a contrasting feeling that I am actually good at what I like. As of now, I love doing technical projects which are closer to my area of interest (which is hardly EEE or pure CS), but with an excellent(!) record as mine, I am sure not to get quality admits for a MS or a PhD in a reputed US University. (Reminds me of Aravind cribbing about the same)

Then the ugly demon raises its head again - What next? My heart yearns to start-up on my own with a few pals of mine. A startup in any industry - tech, non-tech, social, whatever - I am game! But then, the issue of family responsibilities crops up. The responsibility of becoming financially independent, of being to live on bread that I earn, is pretty heavy on the shoulders. The fear of not being financially sound by the time Dad retires, and atleast till little bro begins to make his living. And I sulk. Being born in a middle-class Indian family has its own highs and lows.

Left with nowhere else to wander, I can think only of two alternatives - CAT or a job. It's been my steadfast principle that I will not do an MBA till I have about 2-3 years of work experience on my resume. And I stick by it. So, CAT goes to the dogs.

Ah! Choice is an illusion, my son. You are left with no choice but to take up a job just as any other average batchmate of yours would. And that hurts. For somebody who always dreamt to be different, for somebody whose parents wished that their son would study atleast a couple of degrees and then join a job to earn a sound salary, for somebody who hates mediocrity - the very thought of sounding mediocre for a couple of years, burns a hole in the intestines. But, there is nothing good, nothing bad, there is just life!

To summarize, for the next 10 years or so, I will be joining Tom, Dick & Harry in their daily activities and routine life. But, I know what I want to be.

Over a year, I have seen it grown in one of the corners of my heart, slowly, silently, yet strongly - the urge to give back to the society what it actually deserves - the best of me. I blogged about it once after a train journey from Banglaore to Mysore, and also once after I visited a neighbouring village. And the feeling has grown stronger ever since.

Over the past few months, I have wept at the poverty and suffering of people around me. Everytime I step outside the BITS campus, into the town of Pilani, into the rural heartland of Rajasthan, an empty feeling in my stomach greets me. Back in the room, I sit and code, I sit and cram, I sit and surf the net, I sit and devour a packet of Lays - but out there I see nothing but mountains of hope and courage amidst crushing poverty. I know that this is how the society is - there is always a gap between the rich and the poor - but am I doing anything, any goddamn thing to make the society more equitable? Would my scoring an 'A' grade in the Analog & Digital VLSI Design course help them directly? Yes, you might scorn at me for what might seem as bullshit. You might argue that you are doing the best to seek good education so that you can give back to the society. Agreed. You would one day become a top-notch Engineer at Google and earn thousands of dollars, you would set up charity funds, you would donate them to help people. But, you just end up at a higher strata of the society and try to extend your hand of help from there. Won't help as much as it would have if you could stay with these people and push them up. And that is what I want to do in life.



When I see this kid on the desktop wallpaper of my computer everyday, I shuffle in my seat, and the resolve grows much stronger. The resolve to see that kid educated to the best extent possible. IMHO, a longdrawn but safe and smooth way of reducing the inequities in the society would be to educate the present generation of kids.

One fine day, when dentures hang in my mouth, bifocals cover my eyes, a walking stick lazes around by my side, and a cup of steaming coffee waits in my hand, I want to tell my grandchildren playing in the garden in front of me, that this is the India I dreamt to live in - a country where every citizen is empowered and every citizen knows how to make the best use of it.