By-Two Kaapi in an oilfield

Now that we have moved on,
Now that I believe I have been liberated,
Now that I claim happiness,
I think of you.



As I sit and drink a cup of tea alone,
As I listen to the music in my room.
As I walk alone on the dim-lit roads,
I think of you.



I always had something for you,
I always dreamt of getting closer,
I always wanted us to stay apart,
I still think of you.



Yes, I think of you.
Yes, I still remember those words.
Yes, I am still haunted by the music.
Yes, I relive those moments in the cold.
Yes, I dream of long walks.
Yes, I wanted to utter those hallowed words.
Yes, I longed to be different.
>Yes, I see you right now.



But.....



No, I don't miss you.
No, I don't want to change myself.
No, I don't want to see what I used to see.
No, I don't want to lose myself.



And I don't regret what's happened
And I enjoyed those days of joy and anxiety

And I know - it was just a passing phase which made



Life so beautiful

Sometimes, I wonder whether I make life look too complicated. Do I unnecessarily complicate things too much? I have no answer. All that I can say affirmatively is that I think on a much higher plane than many others - I mean my thinking is more on philosophical lines and 'the-bigger-picure' types. And, for decisions I know will affect my career, I am extra careful, and the time I put into making that decision is surely a gross excess deviation from the mean time anybody else would take. And going by the 90-10 rule, 90% of the times I reaalize that I think too much and it wouldn't have much of a difference. But, the sole reason why I still ignore that rule and keep pondering and pondering is because I believe that all that thinking is making me a better individual - making my thinking more logical and objective.

Listening to: 'Complicated' - Avril Lavigne
(Incidentally, Avril Lavigne is my fav female singer. Man, her attitude is so punk rock! And her sweet voice is awesome)

I realized recently that many of my antics here have resulted me in running away from a lot of people out here. The worst thing is most of them are professors! Everywhere I see them, I just make the quickest exit possible - Phew! Yesterday was one close call, when I saw one such professor in C'not and then I just walked so swiftly out of there, that I didn't even give him time to realize that I was there. Hmmm...Whom all do I run away from?

• Prof. N - One from my state itself. He pours some unwanted work on my shoulders every time I see him.
  
• Prof. B - The Group Leader of my Dept!! I absconded after preparing the Group Website.
  
• Prof. R - In-charge of the LUG here. I have long stopped using Linux. Not that I have accepted defeat to the Redmond Demon, but just that I have become lazy to fiddle around in Linux. I am a dormant LUG co-ordinator, and hence I have to run away from him.
  
• Prof. A - In-Charge of my Center. Not that I run away from him daily - but just that sometimes he just craps a lot to bear.
  
• V - This chap is bugging me to join my Center. But I have no vacancies, and I don't want him in it as well.
  
• AB - This guy is a pure jackass. Keeps bugging me about accounts of some never-existed account etc. Acts as if I am some fraud!
  

Oh my! That's pathetic. How sadder can it get? I am on the verge of getting an Interpol notice issued in my name soon, I guess.

As I run away from these people, I am running towards something as well. (Yeah, Right!) Its almost time for Mid-Sems to begin. GPA nightmares. Project tensions. Things are getting out of control. Loads of things to handle right now. Yet so, much to plan for the future. I read this in Jack Welch's "Winning":

Thinking about the long-term is like sitting on a chair and dreaming.
Thinking about the short-term is all about squeezing the lemon out of all its juice.
Everybody enjoys doing one of them. Somebody, made you the leader because they thought that you could do both.

True. I just hope that 'somebody' was right. Planning for the long-term and sailing through the present seems close to impossible, as of now. But, the eternal realist in me, sees things happening as they want to.

This song by Foo Fighters - "The Best of You" is one of the best songs I have heard in the latest onslaught of rock albums. What inspires me to ponder about this song is the awesome lyrics - which go on something like this :

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I sit back on my cranky wooden easy-chair, look at those little green insects (or LGMFs as they are better known) which are hovering around my tubelight and ponder...

Ponder whether I am giving my best at anything that I am upto these days. The answer comes trotting to my cephalon. I expected three letters, but ended with just two - NO.

Just wondering as to what I have been doing for the past one year, I realize that I have lost my religion (not literally!). I have changed from a passionate stud to a pseudo-passionate "I-am-filled-with-passion" blabbering hypocrite. I have been uttering all such funky sentences, but, a reality check reveals that I have screwed around with time and myself. I have never given anything that I ventured into in the last year, my best. Sometimes, I ponder whether I am storing it for the right time. EEE CDCs would be a good time to spend the stacked up passion - but I am not. My other extra-curricular activities, I am damn passionate about, but I am firm that none of them have got the best of me.

I also ponder - "Have I lost the best of me?". No answer. Hope, the answer is still a NO. I am seraching for Vistas to release the best of me. If I dont do it soon, then probably I might just forget to bring out the best in me forever!

Hmmm.....Let me see, Right now, I just see one vista to bring out the best in me. Treacherous, Unchartered, Challenging, Rewarding - But is it worth it ?

Right now, I am sitting in my room with a pigeon stuck in my room. 45 non-stop minutes of unprecedented effort to throw it out of my room has gone in vain. Its just shuttling between my ventilator and my attic. I have chucked all sorts of things that I can find in my room and afford to chuck. I have attacked it from all angles that I can possibly attack from. Yet, it sticks around. What do I do?

I came back to my room tired after a fun-day out with a bunch of friends at a nearby resort. I just wanted to crash but now I can't even do that because I am scared of the pigeon pooping on me when I am asleep! Probably it is either drugged or it is blind not to see a huge window in front if it that is open, as well as a huge door craving its exit. Help!

On a different note, it is so absorbing to note that once I change the way I look at a person, I speak (or for that matter, communicate) in an entirely different way. The interest that I show in the other person's speech, the way I reply to mails from that person, the way I talk on a phone with that person - everything seems to have a new way; a new meaning. Makes me sad...

Time after time, I wonder, why the world runs the way it is running. The obvious answer, one that I know, is that it is heading towards a purpose. Now, with my newfound Vedic thoughts, I wonder - If the whole world is but just a manifestation of the Brahman, and we are all but just heads and limbs of the Brahman itself, why are we playing around in this world? Agreed, it's for a purpose. But, for the achievement of that purpose, is it required for us to cheer two teams playing basketball, to drink loads of coffee, to sit in front of a flickering screen and blog ! I mean, why are all these mundane activities (with reference to the Brahman). That leads me to a thought that the Brahman is but just a chill dude, who wants to have fun - so he has people on earth commit rapes, murders, suicides as well as play the greatest of sports and vie for glory as well as make the most cutting-edge of research in science. Man! That guy sures know how to waste his free-time!

Ah! I cant say, 'that' guy, for I am the Brahman as well. So, I sure know how to waste my free time. Wow! That feels good. Let me go back to sleep now.

I heard this somewhere recently that the whole world is just like a giant electrical mesh and we are all but mere nodes in it. The core uniqueness of this mesh being that here, every node is connected to every other node by an electric component. So, here I bring in my knowledge of electrical systems and propound that Sensitivity of our node voltage to those component parameters plays the most vital role in human life.

Just imagine that I am connected to my dad/mom thorugh an inductor(say). Any reaction by my dad/mom is passed on to me through an inductive effect. So, the effect on me (change in node voltage) is brought about by the inductor (the relation I share with them). So, my sensitivity to that relation judges the extent of any effect that can possibly be inflicted upon me. And that component(relation) differs extensively for different people.

Now, I sit back and think how one person can so grossly affect my life if I share a strong component with her/him. Now, that such a person has shaken off my bliss - its time for me to fight back to regain that bliss. I can't sit and wait for some other day to regain what I have lost.

On a different note, I feel that somewhere yet another piece in the jigsaw puzzle called life, another piece has been fitted, and there are no lookbacks. I silently hum -

It's probably easy, or so damn easy,
For you to wield your power, your aura,
To push it off in all skewed probability,
To a day that shall never arrive,
To a day which you think I shall wait for,
Wait for eternity - but you are mistaken,
For I beleive that this is all an illusion,
An illusion of grandeur and deceit,
One that has been subdued by me finally,
To rest in peace, or rather
To rust in peace.

I have been wanting to blog about this since the beginning of this semester, but never found time. A couple of cups of coffee down the throat now, and it seems the 'muhurtam' (the right time) has arrived.

Just to keep all you readers (if there are any...Hello...anybody there ?) guessing, I shall not tell you whether I have a girl or not , and if yes, whats her name till the end of this post ! Bear with me, oh anon!

This semester, due to coincidence or rather evident reality I found lots of my friends out here (and many whom I just know by name) roaming around with some girlfriend of theirs. Myself and a bunch of friends (with no girlfriends, of course!) sat for hours and brooded over the root of this social phenomenon. And, there was no solid conclusion that came out of the dozen late night meetings we had, except for case studies that spawned our own case study. The rest are censored here, due to not so obvious reasons.

But then, one fine day, I questioned myself, why can't I get a girlfriend? Though I know girls out here whom I really admire, why haven't I been going out with someone? Not that I didn't want to - I would love to! I decided to list down the top 3 things that are barring me from going out with a girl. The moment I hit the first reason - I stopped! That's because I realised that's huge enough a reason, for me to not get a girl out here. The reason -

I am lazy!

I am too lazy to pursue a girl and woo her. And, if I know the girl, I am lazy to ask her out. (Though, in some case, i would, i am sure, it wont work). So, I realized I would have to remain like this for the rest of my undergrad - unless and until some serious change in me, makes me hyperactive. Then would come the more serious problem of finding the right match. Based on all the girls I know here, that would be close to impossible. (Actually, I can say - It IS impossible).

So, now that I have resigned to my existing lifestyle, I began to think on a new track. Thanks to an amazing discussion I had with one of the few people I admire on campus, I began to see things around me in a new light. Now, when I see a couple moving around together, I see the happiness in both of them, and I feel happier! Crazy - but true! But the most important realization is that what they are doing is worthless! And, poor souls, they are so happy in doing that - Good for them.

Why is it worthless? Simple. The truth lies in the Vedanta - "Aham Brahmasmi". I am one with the Brahman. If I am one with the Brahman and so are you, both of us are mere manifestations of the Brahman. We are one and the same! Coming back to the situation that I see the girl whom I love(read, I want to go out with), why am I attracted towards her(or why do I want to go out with her)? That's because I see something different in her than all other girls I know. I would want to know her better. I would want to talk to her infinitely. That's because I percieve a chasm between me and her, and I wish to bridge that, by goin out with her. Reality: There is no chasm! Both myself and her, are one and the same. We are the Brahman itself. So, what is the point in pursuing a girl - when in reality, you are pursuing yourself ?! At the same time, there is nothing wrong in looking at a lovely girl and exclaiming 'Wow!'. It's just that I am appreciating the beauty of the Brahman.

So, that brings me to the point, where I look back at the foolish thoughts I had over the last year of missing someone. I just look back and laugh in silent contempt at myself, and then I drown myself in 'ananda' looking at the world outside and appreciating the beauty that is so glaring, yet not obvious enough to be seen by everyone.

I sat wondering why I am feeling so happy these days for no particular reason. And, bingo - I had a revelation last evening, as I was wandering aimlessly in the corridor.

Why does one feel happy? When he/she gets something that he/she has been craving for. It could be a material posession or an achievement yearned for etc. Well, I didn't get what I wanted(?) , and I also didn't achieve something phenomenally great (except that for the first time I could answer the whole tute paper on Synchronous DC machines). Yet, there I was feeling ecstatic. And then it struck me, the feeling was not something that can be termed 'happiness' - the right term is in Sanskrit - 'ananda' (roughly translates to bliss). 'Ananda' is unconditional happiness. Back in High School, I remembered a story that we were taught in Sanskrit. A story from the Taittriya Upanisad. It's about how Varuna (a sage) uses 'tapas' (meditation) to teach his son Brigu to understand the true nature of 'brahman' (hmmmm..how can i explain 'brahman' - it roughly means the whole reality itself). Brigu discovers the Brahman stage-by-stage (as he meditated more, he delved deeper towards the real truth). It is said the stages were - annam (matter), pranam (the ethereal connection), mano (the cosmos controlling the ether), vijnanam (the intellect) and finally anandam (eternal bliss).

I now realize how immature we were to understand the true meaning of that back then - and how it makes amazing sense now. What do we all want in life? Yes, all of them are material possessions which give us happiness. So, why not pursue that happiness instead of crying and cribbing over not getting what one wanted? This doesn't mean that one quits from the process of pursuing ones dreams. That can always be done parallelly, without bothering about the results. Its damn tough (close to impossible), but surely worth a try.

Till then, I shalll rest in 'ananda'. Man! this is so damn good. I am not doped - but still feeling as if I am floating in the sky. I just wish I knew why I am feeling so blissful & how I can spread this blissfulness to others.

One of the best artistic impressions, I have seen on Heaven & Hell.

My Obeisances - Oh! Holy Wall on the Web. I am back on the blogosphere after a long long long time. The reasons being many. The most important being the totally erratic and highly dysfunctional network connection out here these days. How can doubling the bandwidth reduce the speed of net in our rooms ?!

Anyways, I would have to blog pages if I were to recap the days that have passed since I blogged. Again, it reminds me of the first line of "The Tale of two cities" -

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

Yeah, had my fair share of crests and troughs here. But, life is beautiful, mate! Its kinda amazing, its kinda surprising, its kinda mind-boggling - But I am feeling 'happy' throughout the day for no particular reason since the past two days. Why this sudden outburst of 'ananda' from within? Have I been enlightened? Have I woken up to my true inner self? Lots of questions, all of them leading to the Source. Yes, I have freed my mind. Hope, things remain the same. (At the same time, the thought runs across my mind - Hope is delusion). But these days, negative thoughts dont seem to be having an effect on me. Interesting!

So, I guess, I shall be frequenting this space more often to scribble thoughts sourced from an alien clan on my own wall on the web. After all, life is an OB(Open Book)!